SuperElvis's CyberHood

THE NEGOTIATIONS CONTINUE

2005-08-06T12:46:00.000-07:00

I spit on you! 50/50 is no deal. You need me, fucker. 60% for me, 40 for you.
NOW, WHERE ARE MY MILLIONS!

Love,
Mr. Ron
817-431-1541

On 8/5/05, egobia udo wrote:

Dear Ron Knight;

Iam so happy for you to understand me,about our agred percentage i will give you 50%and i myslef will have 50% allso.hance you agred to help me in this transaction.please i will sent to you the text of application then you fill it and send it to bank where the fund is,please sir give me your phone number so that we can hear our voice together for more information.

Have a nice day.

Barr Ego.

More on my millions.

2005-08-05T07:58:00.000-07:00

I am a MASTER at the negotiations... see?

You want this deal you will give ME 80% and you get 20%
otherwise, piss off.
-R!

On 8/4/05, egobia udo wrote: Dear Ron Knight,

Thank you for your interest and acceptance to assist me in this risk free once in ones life business transaction.

Be informed that I contacted you for assistance based on the actual fact that you bear the same surname as my late Client ( Charles B Ron ) who migrated here in the late 80's and worked with Shell Petroleum Company as a Senior Staff before his untimely death alongside his Family (Wife & only Duaghter). My late Client Charles B Ron came from the State of California in U.S.A to Lome-Togo in West Africa with her Wife Ruth and their only Duaghter Jamila. All died as a result of the Car accident on the 21/04/ 2002, living nobody behind for the claim of his deposit here. The funds he left behind is about to be forfeited to the Government of this Country as unclaimed bill which will be of no benefit to anybody including both of us. I would want to use you in claiming the funds for our mutual benefit. Since you bear the same surname as my late client it will never be a difficult thing for me to use you in claiming the fund. Going by my plan, the fund he left behind will be transfered to you as his legitimate next of kin. Be informed that I will back you up for the claims with every relevant requirement that will authenticate your claims as his next of kin.

As soon as you reconfirm to me your full acceptance to assist me in this beneficial transaction, I will forward to you a Paper Work which you will fill correctly and send to the Finance Company where he made the deposit for consideration,approval,release and subsequent transfer of the fund to you. Note that I will come over to your Country to meet with you,immediately the funds gets transfered into your account, for the sharing of the fund between both of us according to this percentage 60% for me and 40% for you. And I beleive you will not sit on the fund when it gets transfered into your account? I need your honest assurance. This transaction is my life hence I would want you to treat it as such.Also you have to keep this transaction very confidential, you should not confide in a third party without my consent to avoid anything that may cause us the failure of the claims. The Finance Company does not know and will never know the role I am going to play in this claims. I will be here to direct and give you necessary keys and information on how you will transact with the Finance Company for a successfull claims.

This transaction is expected to last only but 10-12 working days from the date you forwarded the Paper Work to the Finance Company and the Fund will be claimed and transfered into your account. You have to always abide by my advise and instruction during the period of the claims to avoid any mistake that may jeopardise the good interest of the claims.

Meanwhile, call me on my private telephone number +228 925 80 26 (24hours) for any information you deem necessary. Also kindly furnish me with your private telephone number for more faster communication as that will play an important role in the claims.

Expecting to hear from you.

Regards,

Barr Ego.

MONEY MONEY MONEY

2005-08-04T08:05:00.000-07:00

I love weird emails. Every once in a while I get something I have GOT to reply to...
here's something I got today (my reply is on top)

Sounds exciting.
Now, where's my money, motherfucker!

On 8/3/05, egobia udo wrote:

Barr.EGO UDO.
CONSULT ASSOCIATE CHAMBERS.
102 RUE DU JEAN BEN 2.
LOME REP OF TOGO.

Dear ,

I am Barr EGO UDO,a solicitor at law,
personal attorney to Mr.C.B Ron,a national Of your
country,who used to work with Shell Development
Company in Lome Togo. Here in after shall be referred
to as my client. On the 21st of April 2002, my client,
his wife and their only daughter were involved in a
car accident along Kara express Road, Togo.

All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost there
lives. Since then I have made several enquiries to
your embassy here to locate any of my clients extended
relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful. After
these several unsuccessful attempts,I decided totrace
his last name over the Internet, to locate any member
of his family hence I contacted you.

I have contacted you to assist in retreiving the fund
valued at US$17.5 million left behind by my client
before it gets confisicated or declared unserviceable
by the Security Finance Firm where this huge amount
were deposited. The said Security Finance Company has
issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or
havehis account confisicated within the next twenty
one official working days.

Since I have been unsuccesfull in locating the
relatives for over 2years now, I seek the consent
topresent you as the next of kin to the deceased
sinceyou have the same last names, so that the
proceeds ofthis account can be paid to you.Therefore,
on receiptof your positive response, we shall then
discuss thesharing ratio and modalities for transfer.I
have all necessary information and legal documents
needed to back you up for claim.

All I require from you is your honest cooperation to
enable us see this transaction through. I guarantee
that this will be executed under legitimate
arrangement that will protect you from any breach of
the law. Please get in touch with me through the above
email for more details.

Best Regards.
Barr.EGO UDO.

Now that I am a multi-millionaire you can all kiss my ass.

-=SE=-

My day off.

2005-07-22T15:23:00.000-07:00

I am off of work today (Friday) and have nothing to do but change the oil on my truck. OK. Back up. I am not going to change the oil, the guy at Walmart is going to change my oil. When I change my oil all I really do is create a very large black puddle in front of my house. So here I am, sitting at home bored and Karen IM's me asking me what I would do if I were a woman. Go to Walmart was my instant answer. Honesty isn't always funny. If I were trying to be funny I would have said "Sue for sexual harassment."
Hey Karen, here's something for you...
Why are Major Healy and Major Nelson's uniforms different colors?

--=Discuss=--

-=SE=-

..and now for something completely different.

2005-07-20T23:10:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. Sorry I haven't posted, I've been on active duty in Germany fighting in the Kiss Army. It is so hard to tell Paul Stanley no when he calls you at home.

The votes are in and the first series of posts I will be working on is dating and asking women out.

The other day I got this letter

Dear SuperElvis,
Where would men be if it wasn't for women?
Thanks,
Sally

Well, Sally we'd be in the Garden of Eden partying our asses off. Thanks for fucking that one up, bitches.
Love,
SE

OK, just kidding. I believe that a woman in your life can either make it a million times better or a million times worse. It is all determined at the beginning of the relationship. If you establish boundries at the BEGINNING of the realtionship then the woman will know what to expect. The hard part is finding the woman.
Where to start? Me.
I was single for 10 years and was never really taken seriously by women for a LONG time. I would find a girl, make friends with her. I'd buy her dinner, buy her way into the movies, pay for concerts etc... but when it came down to it, I was like her "brother" or too good of a friend and she didn't want to ruin it with anything physical.
This is how I felt:
Imagine going to a job interview and you are EVERYthing they want. They love your personality, your style, your sense of humor and your resume. So they tell you that you are exactly what they want only they can't hire you. They keep your resume to use as a reference for the other applicants and actually consult YOU before they hire the final candidate. Screw that. I wanted to get hired...err..umm..laid.
The biggest common denominator in ever relationship I've ever had has been ME.
I had to figure this one out. Not being a member of a boy band had held me back for way too long. How did Menudo do it? Damn those Back Street Boys! I had to study. One of the things I've always thought were funny was cheap pickup lines. I know what you're thinking. THOSE NEVER WORK. You'd be right in thinking that but it started me in a direction by accident. I did a search one day on google and discovered something called "Speed seduction." It changed my life. Suddenly everything I'd been doing wrong came to the front and flooded out of me as I read those pages. I learned how I had set myself up to fail. It wasn't the woman's fault like I wanted to believe, it was ME. I had left out a very important part of any relationship....
Honesty.
I was not telling anyone the truth. I wasn't telling the woman what I really was interested in, I wasn't telling myself the truth either. For some reason I thought you had to be really nice to women and do all kinds of super nice things for them, kinda kiss thier ass. I blame the feminine movement. Women need to be treated with respect but they don't want a man that is their equal... they want a MAN.... a leader. Someone that takes charge and lets them know, we're on a date, not out as friends. I figured I'd give this theory a try so I found a women that I knew and asked her out. When we were at dinner I made some comment about a date and she said "this isn't a date, we're just friends." Under the old rules I would have played it off like a joke and then bought dinner. That night, I told her it was cool.... and then my dinner was all I paid for. That was a big step for me. That was a long time ago and things changed.

The biggest problem I think a lot of men have is the actual asking a girl for a number. I met a girl once at supercuts after I got a haircut and asked her for her email address. My trick was to ask for the Email and as she was writing it down I would tell her to also write down her phone number too. Jedi mind trick stuff. This one thew me a hurdle though... she said she didn't know her email address... so I went for broke and asked her for her number... she said she had just moved and didn't know her new number. At this point I think I should call it quits. Take a hint SE, she ain't interested. I told her no big deal and was still nice but was trying to end the conversation so I could go home and look at internet porn. As I am trying to slink off she asked me for my number. I gave it to her and didn't give it any stock. I felt like she was just being nice. Chicks do stuff like that. I headed on home and thought nothing more about it. When I got home I already had a message from her. The point I am trying to make is... play it cool. Don't act like every situation is the same. That, and the Jedi Mind Trick works pretty good (just not in this situation)

I hit a bump in my studies to become a "player." I had the ability to walk up to a woman and talk to her but I could never ask her for her number. It was a mental block. I emailed a writer of a book about picking up women and he wrote back that he was only intereted in picking up the girl right then and there and taking her somewhere to make the beast with two backs... BUT he did decide to help he told me to limit the length of conversations with a new meeting to 2 minutes and then get out. As you are walking away say:
"We should get together again, real soon." This line works like nothing you could believe!!! It takes all the stress out of asking a woman for a date or a phone number. If she's interested she'll say something like "That sounds like fun... but, wait! You don't have my number--here it is!" If she isn't interested she'll say something like "Yeah, it was fun." It saves you both from rejection.
A lot of guys have said to me "SE, I wish a woman would ask ME out sometime." To this I always laugh because it is the man's job to take the lead in a relationship. Women don't want a guy that is weak or that they can push around. If they did, would you want to be with her?
Plan your date out, have a 2nd plan. If you want to take her to your favorite Italian food place and on the way there you find out she hates noodles, simply flip to plan 2. One thing that women hate is the question "Where do you want to go for dinner?" They like a guy that takes the time and care to plan it out a little bit.
The first date is the most over rated event of all. Every guy seems to think you need to take the woman to really expensive place to eat and then somewhere else to drop a ton of dough. That doesn't fit into SE's plans. You can get stood up on the first date or women can back out or whatever. Plan for that. Make your first date somewhere simple and make it seem like it is somewhere you would have been anyways. A good example is a coffee shop in a bookstore. Get there early and grab a magazine so you're doing something when she walks up. If she doesn't show then no big deal, you've caught up on some reading. When she does show don't make the huge mistake that most guys make... DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOURSELF. Talk about her. This isn't a date, it's an interview. Find out about things she likes/dislikes. Is she looking for a relationship or just someone to buy her dinner? What was the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for her? What is her idea of romance? Where was the most romantic date she's ever been on? Things like that. What she's doing is feeding you the information for your next date. The 2nd date is basicly everything she told you in the first date (retooled for your personality) This sets up the groundwork for the rest of your relationship. She'll know that you are asking questions about romance and "stuff" so you can do nice things for her and you listen. Avoid giving any information about yourself. Women like mystery... they find it romantic. I've gone out with women that had no clue what I do for a living. My favorite answer to "What do you do for a living?" is "I'm an ass model." She'll laugh a bit. "No, really, what do you do?" "Honestly, I am an ass model. People always laugh at my profession and ridicule me but I have to say, it is a lot of work. Some days I work my butt off!"
You gotta keep a straight face with all of this.

One last thing... women love a guy that is cocky and funny but not too much of either...

-=SE=-

...sorry...

2005-05-22T08:26:00.000-07:00

This Blog ain't dead. My post on Asking out women is comming soon. I am also going to post adventures in strip clubs...

And, YES, Turtle I might have to post one or two about the Dirty Perch. Those were fun times.

SuperElvis will be back soon.

AND I have some really good stuff for the "Man haters" out there. :)

-=SE=-

The fans decide.

2005-04-25T15:48:00.000-07:00

I have been kicking around the idea for my next post. I've had some really wild experiences in topless bars and have 2 really great stories to write about there...

OR...

I can explain to the common man how to ask women out. There seems to be a great deal of problem in that area for most men. It seems we have no clue (just ask Karen!)
I think I can help shed some light on this one.

You as the reader decide the next series of posts.

-=SE=-

Reality Porn?

2005-04-20T20:29:00.000-07:00

I think the new wave of "reality" shows have gone too far HERE

-=SE=-

2005-04-15T14:33:00.000-07:00

Southpark SuperElvis...This is me if I were on Southpark. I rock

Another blog.

2005-04-14T15:58:00.000-07:00

I worked with this guy at Gulfstream Aerospace. I was warned about him from EVERYONE else in the tech department. Did I say everyone? Even my supervisor said "Don't piss Hatley off; he'll fuckin' kill ya." Can't wait to meet 'em then. I worked at the Alliance site and he worked at the Love field site. When I got transfered over to the "dark side" of the metroplex I figured we were going to clash, since he had an explosive temper and I had an explosive mouth. When I first started working at Love Field I kinda kept my distance from the guy he treated me pretty nice but I could tell I rubbed him the wrong way sometimes. Hatley did all the network cabling for Gulfstream out at Love field and he KNEW his job... a real pro. Whenever I'd need to borrow something from him I would always ask for "The cutty thingies" when I wanted wire cutters. Drove him nuts. I loved it. One time I made him a little mad so he started goofing on me. I outweighed him by a good 100 to 150 pounds so I wasn't worried about his temper. I grabbed both his hands and started waving them around wildly screaming "Look at the little baby arms!" over and over again. He thought it was pretty funny and we got along great ever since. I'd have to say he was my best friend over there. I miss working with the guy.

My favorite Hatley story was when I turned in my 2 weeks notice. Everyone got together to throw me a going away party but the pilots had another plan. They flew me over the grand canyon so I missed my party. The craziest part was Hatley calling me every 30 minutes from different titty bars as he got drunker and drunker. I wish I could have saved the messages. They had me crying I was laughing so hard.
Now he has a blog. Ya gotta read it, I promise it'll be a favorite.
http://hatleyman.blogspot.com/
Enjoy!
-=SuperElvis=-

Other blogs.

2005-04-11T20:33:00.000-07:00

And you got a fucked up tan line too.

Just shit already, lady. JEEEBUS!!!

Superelvis, I wish I could figure out how to tell my friends I am bisexual...the hints aren't working.

Since I can't talk about winning at poker.

Should be called "Ask SuperElvis"

These are my favorite blogs... read 'em and weep. I do. Good people. Way better writers than I'll ever be.

-=SE=-

That'll kick you in the ass

2005-04-10T19:50:00.000-07:00

I posted this as a comment on one of my favorite blogs, but I enjoyed it so much that I had to repost it here.

I work in the IT industry and EVERYONE wants to talk to you about their damn computer problems. Even when you are taking a dump. No privacyl Once while I was working in this office building I had to fart real bad. I worked from 7am to 9pm 3 days a week. Around 2pm I got "the vapors" and couldn't find a place to drop this bomb in privacy so I went into the rest room. EVERY time I went in there some jerk would follow me asking about a virus on his hard drive at home or if I did work on the site or whatever... so I couldn't pop that cork. 9pm rolls around and I've had this monster festering and growing in my colon for hours. Time to go home. I jump on the elevator and I am finally alone. 10th floor I let loose. 9pm... I am probably the only one in the whole building so I just let'r rippppp. To tell you it was bad would be an understatement. The wallpaper on the Elevator walls started to peel off in pretty little curls. The buttons started to steam over...but it felt good. real good. As I am sitting there in my own stench of filth going down, the elevator stops on the 8th floor. Damn it. the guy gets on and does a double-take and freaks out. I say in my most sheepish voice."Going home?" Why am I starting a conversation with a man that is in his death throws from my evil gasses? Have I no respect for the dead?
-=SE=-

Some Day SuperElvis Will Rule The World!

2005-04-05T17:03:00.000-07:00

And when I do, I am gonna take this guy's advice...

The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

Yup, That's what I'd do...
-=SE=-

I already love you.

2005-04-01T18:24:00.000-08:00

Ever heard of a 419 Nigerian scam? here's an email I got...

DEAR FRIEND;
THROUGH MY CAREFUL SEARCH FOR AN HONEST,RELIABLE AND SINCERE BUSINESS
PATNER,I GOT YOUR CONTACT AND DO HOPE THAT YOU WILL BEAR AND GIVE ME YOUR
CANDID ATTENTION, UNDERSTANDING AND SUPPORT IN OTHER TO ASSIST AND GRANT ME
A PERFECT CONSIDERATION TOWARDS THIS OFFER AND URGENT RESCUE.

IN A NUTSHELL I AM MRS.SANDRA.R.WILLIAMS ,THE WIFE OF THE LATE KOROMA
WILLIAMS AND
A SIERRA-LEONIAN BY NATIONALITY. I PRESENTLY LIVE IN DAKAR-SENEGAL WITH MY
DAUGHTERS. MY HUSBAND WAS MAJ.G.KOROMA WILLIAMS BEFORE HIS UNTIMELY
ASSASSINATION BY REBELS. HE WAS THE QUARTER MASTER GENERAL OF REVOLUTIONARY
UNITED FRONT {RUF} HE WAS THEN RSPONSIBLE FOR THE PURCHASE OF ARMS AND
AMUNITIONS TO ALL FRONTS. HE KEPT ALL THE MONEY SOLD FROM GOLD AND DIAMOND
AS{QRMGS}. HE WAS THEREFORE ASSASINATED BYTHE REBELLING FORCE AT THE HEIGHT
OF THE WAR AT OUR OFFICIAL REISDENTIAL QUARTERS. I THEREFORE FOR THE SAFETY
OF OUR DEAR LIVES,ESCAPED TO DAKAR SENEGAL WITH MY CHILDREN, WHERE WE ARE
UNDER REfUGE NOW.

I WANT YOU TO HELP US TRANSFER THIS MONEY FROM THE FINANCE FIRM IN
LOME,REPUBLIC OF TOGO WHERE IT WAS DEPOSITED BY MY LATE HUSBAND TO YOUR
COUNTRY FOR INVESTMENT. WE ARE VERY MUCH INTERESTED TO TRADE ON EXPORTS AND
IMPORT OR EVEN STOCK BROCKERS BUT I WILL LIKE YOU TO BE THE HEAD OF THIS
INVESTMENT BECUASE YOU KNOW THE SYSTEM OF TRADE IN YOUR COUNTRY BETTER THAN
I DO. MY LATE HUSBAND DEPOSITED THE SUM OF{USD{$10,000,000(TEN MILLION
USD) IN A FINANCE FIRM . IT WAS DUE TO THE POLITICAL PROBLEMS THAT KEPT US
TODAY IN THIS GREAT MISERABLE CONDITION .I AND MY FAMILY NEEDS YOUR CANDID
HELP, HENCE, THE NEED FOR THIS IMPORTANT LETTER TO YOU NOW.

WE ARE WILLING TO COME OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY,WE HAVE HEARD AND UNDERSTAND
THROUGH RESEARCH, SO MANY GOOD THINGS ABOUT YOUR COUNTRY AND IT'S A PEACE
LOVING COUNTRY WHICH ANY BODY WOULD WISH TO LIVE AND WORK FREELY ESPECIALLY
THOSE OF US THAT ARE FROM THE BLACK RACE BECAUSE OF FREEDOM.

THIS TRANSACTION IS THOROUGHLY LEGAL,WE HAVE TO GET TO KNOW OURSEIVES BETTER
FOR A BETTER UNDERSTANDING IN THE FUTURE. IF YOU CAN ACEPPT MY OFFER, I
HAVE PROPOSED (25%) PERCENT FOR YOU AND YOUR GOOD ASISSTANCE TO US.
(5%)PERCENT FOR ANY ANCILLARY EXPENSES INCURED DURING THE TRANSACTIONS. PLS
CONTACT ME THROUGH MY EMAIL ADDRESS. williams_689@hotmail.com
THANKS FOR YOUR GREAT UNDERSTANDINGS AND GOD'S BLESSINGS.

YOURS TRULLY,
SANDRA WILLIAMS(MRS)

Does this person have to YELL???!?
So... I had to reply....

>
>Ms. Williams,
>
>I am very interested in your investment opportunity. I currently am
>working with a company that sells soap made my American Eskimos. We
>have considerable capital due to the success of our product. Please
>send me more information about your current situation.
>Also, since you are single, could you send me a picture of yourself.
>It would help promote a safer feeling.
>Thanks,
>Ron!

She replied back...

Dear RON,

Thanks alot for your urgent response to my mail to you. The situation
here with me and my daughters are not very condusive and this is why I
really want to get this fund ($10million us dolaars) transfered as soon as
possible to a considerable healthy environment where I hope to settle down
with my daughters and establish a buiness venture. I have really intensified
my preparedness towards this transfer as I have formally written to the
security firm in the republic of Togo where this fund is being deposited,
notifying them of my wish to transfer it to a foreign accounts where I hope
to resettle with my daughters. Of course, Iam prepared to do so as soon as I
sense out the seriousness in you. You should as a matter of fact, mail to
the security firm officially through this address;scrty_trust@yahoo.com,
notifying them as my proposed business patner from the united states, your
preparedness to help transfer this fund and asisst me establish a business
outfit in the states.

However, I will be scanning my pix to you as a proof and evidence tommorow
morning as it is now late here in the night. My scanner is not functioning
well. I would also like to warn that you shouldn't in any way use this as an
avenue to abuse my personality. Iam single as a widow who has made a home
already and not to be seen as a single lady who has never gone into
marriage. so, pls , do take not of this. In return, I would like to have
yours too to also instill the trust, which is an all round affair.

Thanks alot.
Sandra williams(MRS)

Here we go....
Ron,
I await seeing your picture as well too. I do hope also that you will be
contacting the security firm as soon as possible today to enable us commence
actions. I will continue to get you reassured over and over again that you
should not nurse any feelings of mistrust in me, rather, I have been very
skeptical about my fate should this money fall in the hands of a bad fellow
over there in the states. This is why, I continue to appeal for your trust
and honesty in this transfer please. As a poor widow with my daugfhters,
this money is our last hope and I wouldn't want any failure whatsoever.
Thanks.

sandra Williams

Again...

Dear Ron,

In keeping to my words, I have therefore scanned my pix to really
gaurantee you the safety of this transactions. Even if you really want to
meet up with me in person or wants to travell down here for this transfer,
you will use this pix to locate me at the Airport on your arrival.
I also need to see your pix too to really guarantee the trsut that we have
been hammering on.
Please, I want you to do any thing that you are wishing to do very fast
inrespect to this transfer which I want to be concluded as soon as possible.
I also want you to kindly give me details of your business activities and
the type of business that you are proposing that we shall go into.
I hope by now that the security firm should be expecting your official
letter to them as regards this transfer. Do hasten up pls.

Sandra
She' sent a picture of a black lady. not sure if it was her or not. Guess it doesn't matter...

My Dearest Sandra,
My delight in trusting you has been validated. I feel so close to you
right now. I am attaching a picture of mineself for you to look at.
The moment I set eyes on your ebony beauty I knew right then and there
I had to be with you. Will you accept my advances? I would like to
share in you. I don't mind that you have children. I am loving kids. I
feel like I have known you all my life. I can't wait to kiss your soft
chocolate lips. Will you come to California and do the tuki tuki dance
of my culture? You have superglued my heart. I believe we can share
the money and invest it in my business growing french fried oreos in
the sand. In this landing of America the French Fried Oreo is selling
at an incredible rate of speeding and I am making so much money I can
not spend it fast enough. I can send my plane to pick you and your
children up at a date set by my. Please tell me you too have
understood and grow feelings like a palm tree. With the millions you
spoke of and my assets (totaling over 5 million) I know we can happy
live.

Your Partner in life and business (maybe)
Ron!

P.S. Attached is a picture of me and the fishing I caught.

I attached a picture of an old man holding up a fish in a boat. His dork is hanging out his shorts. I thought it was funny...

Dear Ron,

I would like to as a matter of fact let you know that you should speed
up all the necessary activities needed from you on the course of this
transfer. Iam terribly suffering here with my daughters and this is why I
urgently needed this transfer most importantly to enable us settle down and
have something doing. I do hope that you will kindly understand my
predicaments and get down to actions. Well, thanks alot for your compliments
but then, do you not sound so flexible as someone who may take advantage of
me by virtue of your feelings towards me? Though, only time will tell whom
you are really. I want you to contact the security firm immediately or have
you done this? I have already contacted them about you and they are only
awaiting your letter officially from you, indicating your readiness to help
me transfer this funds to your destinations in the states to set up a
business. I do hope that you understand my conditions, ok.

Sandra.
We're on a first name basis now!
Here's my last message to her... I just sent it.
Sandra,
Do not wasting more time. Hasten. I need you to profess your love for me. Will you take a picture of yourself with a special note so I know this is real and not someone cruel toying with my feelings? Please hold a sign that says "SuperElvis Rulz" so I will know. I hasten to send the information awaiting this. Please. Please. Please.
Love always,
Ron

I'll keep you informed. I guess I also need to figure out how to ad pictures to this damn blog...

-=SE=-

The man in the arena

2005-03-31T18:15:00.000-08:00

I love this quote:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Quest for the Dwarf

2005-03-29T18:33:00.000-08:00

Around last Christmas I was in a Taco Bell in Keller. The big lummox taking our order had his complete right hand bandaged. Being the curious cat that I am, I had to ask.
Whad'ya do?
He told me that he was cooking empinadas in the deep fryer and dropped something in there so he had to reach in and get it.
No really. Whad'ya do?
He was serious. I told him he was retared enough to be on Springer. He got real excited at that. I seem to have the ability to insult people and they like it. It might be my super power.
He then proceded to tell me he'd been on the show 3 times already as an actor. This piqued my interest. It's always been a dream of mine to go on the Jerry Springer show and cause hell. I think that I could take down a couple of the bodyguards pretty easy too. It would be fun for me.
I didn't believe him though. I thought he was just trying to sound cool.
"Oh yeah? What's the phone number??"
He gives me this number off the top of his head and says "Ask for Susie but they won't be back until the middle of January." I put the number in my phone just in case.
I then begin to tell him about my favorite episode of Springer. It's the one with the midget KKK members and they find out that their leader is black and has slept with all their women. Classic!
He reminds me that it is fake. NO WAY! I proclaim in my best Bill and Ted voice.
I go on about my business....

January 17th rolls around and I am sitting at my desk at work bored. I start thumbing through my cell phone and what do I spy? "Susie From Springer"
so I call.
someone answers "The Jerry Springer Show."
I am a little stunned.
...is susie there? I ask sheepishly.
This is her.
Damn! Jackpot!
I explain to her my lifelong dream about being on her show (she is the producer or something) and I also explain what I look like. She gets excited and wants to fly me to Chicago to film the following Monday. The only catch is I have to bring my own story and my own people. DRAT!
I ask her if she can supply me with midgets. I think it would be great if I was "the other guy" in a midget couple.
No dice. I gotta find my own.
The dream fades...
one month later I am in the Special Services office at my school relaying this story to them and they tell me about Mary, a lady that works at my school and is involved with Dwarf athletics or something. I catch up with Mary and tell her my idea. After a short but informative speech about Dwarves and their superhuman strength and crap she refers me to the DAAA
I email the lady there and explain everything and how I expect to treat her stubby little friends with dignaty and I would be the shemp.
her reply was
"Thanks but no thanks."
A dead end. D'oH!
As I was telling my buddy Parker about this he mentions Karen, someone that deals with talent and might know a dwarf for some reason.
Karen isn't able to find me a couple of little people either but she does point me in the direction of a website called The Craig List. I go there and start poking around.
Thats when I get sidetracked and start looking at all the ads. I find a great ad and have to dick around with the guy.
Here's the ad:

Our company is dedicated to Macintosh and Windows support. We have
grown to a point with our current client base in the Dallas/Ft. Worth
area that we need help from someone who has an expertise in Windows
tech support. You must already have an existing client base to help
you achieve a maximum amount of hours. Some weeks we could have 10
hours of Windows work and other weeks we have none. By bringing in a
small base of existing clients, you will improve your hours. We prefer
an employer-employee relationship because it builds a sense of
teammanship for the company. You must have experience with Windows
2003 Server, Exchange Server, & Windows XP Professional. You must
already have some basic certifications in order to apply for this job
(MCSE, A+, etc.) Digital Criterion is a team, and we are dedicated to
working together to help each other grow. We would like to work with a
consultant who might have clients with Mac questions, which might be
beyond what you are familiar with. Our lead consultant in Dallas/Ft.
Worth is a former Apple employee, who has a great deal of knowledge
about Macintosh computers. We are based out of Chicago and have a
great team to work with throughout Texas.

Clearly a scam but there was a valid email attached so I dropped Micah a note:

I read your ad on davesdaily.com and I find your posting FASCINATING.
I bring YOU the customers and you give ME a cut. nice scam.
My favorite part is where you made up the word "teammanship"

You kick ass, Sir!

I know I got the website wrong...
Here's the reply I got back:

Number one, I cannot seem to find where this on the website you referenced,
which would be a violation of Craig's List policy. Number 2, if I pay you
$15,000 a year and a 40% commission and you bring in enough clients to bill
an average of 10 hours a week at $75 an hour. DO you know how much money I
make? Nothing. With the cost of health care, dental insurance, vacation
time, etc. That is why we give the consultant up to an additional 10 hours,
so our company makes something. Maybe you should check out a business school
before you send out e-mails dumbass.

SCORE!
My reply:
It was your ad that I was replying to. I am SURE that it is nothing
but the best of an opportunity. Sounds really SWEEEET. It must be the
best, since you made up a word in the ad itsself.

Love,
Ron

P.S. Your MOM goes to college.

I knew this wouldn't get me a midget but it was at least fun.
Here it is, the end of March and still no midget. I am about to give up on my Jerry Springer project, I think.

Until Next time,
SuperElvis

PS: Comming soon, SuperElvis vs. the 419 Scammer.

Asian Cheerleader Cavity Search 4

2005-03-18T19:04:00.000-08:00

I download a LOT of software off the internet. Some of this software comes from let's say...shady.... websites. One of the sites I use to get my warez (See my Feb 9th post) is a website called pisexy.com
You can get everything there from a DVD-Rip of the Incredibles to comic books.
Mixed in this mess are full lenght porn movies with interesting titles like Black dick-white chick, Oral Sex 101 #69 and other creative titles.
Being a red blooded heterosexual male, from time to time I'll download one of these wonderful gems. When I saw Asian Cheerleader Cavity Search 4 it was love at first site. Not the tender kind of love that you have for your grandmother. More like the love you had for your boss at your first job. You worked your ass off at Taco Bell while some jackoff with pee stains on his pants yells at you because you put too much guacamole on a taco salad. Bastard.

To me, Asian women are attractive. They are unique because all of them look alike. OK, just kidding. But I have always found them to be attractive in a sexual way. I once dated a girl that was originally from Japan. I got no where. It was a weird thing. To her, we were dating, to me I was hanging out with a friend (because the Elvis didn't get no play!)
ANYWAY....
I download this movie thinking... GOSH, I like me some Asians and if they dress up like cute little cheerleaders all the better. I felt like it was the first time busting a nut in the family dog again! After a day or so, the download finishes (it was a HUGE file, a full DVD of this shit.) I think they filmed it with someone's old 1980's camcorder. I didn't mind. I was excited to see asian women in all their nekked splendor!
as the download finishes I double click the file with all the excitement of Ralphie on Christmas morning opening his red rider bb gun. I can't wait.
Scene 1
If there was SHAME in porn, this would be it. I don't know if you've ever seen amateur porn, but this makes that shit looks like Titanic or Gone with the Wind. The asian girl isn't even a cheerleader! What the FUNK is that all about? Ususally I pretty much ignore the guys in porno, considering them a needed evil. After all, someone's got to perform the "Cavity search" right? This time it is a HUGE black guy that is hung like a mayonnaise jar. Huge. Ass ripping huge. I bet this is going to hurt someone. (Wink) (Wink)
The girl has got to be a street whore. There is nothing remarkable about her. She isn't pretty, she doesn't have large boobage, and as far as I can tell she may have been born without an ass.

They waste NO time and instantly he brings out the hellmanns. Did I already tell you it was HUGE? She puts it in her mouth like it is a toothbrush. I've seen bad blowjobs in porn before and I've HAD bad blowjobs given to me but I've never seen anything this disgusting and terrible. Apparently, in Asia-land it is customary to slobber like a retard when sucking on something. Little slobber girl didn't think that was enough so she starts spitting on herself and hocking up more slobber. I fast forward a little bit and pretty soon she's COVERED in her own spit. Not a little bit, A LOT. It looks like an army of retarded kids sneezed on her. Twice. I can't make this shit up.
Getting bored with the top hole our Nubian hero decides to go down lower with his monster. The girl takes it like a champ. Not only does she take it like a champ, she seems to forget she's on camera and starts a conversation with the guy like they just happen to bump into each other at a book store or an Amway convention. Clearly she is bored. He's ramming her like the pistons on a Harley. The poor African hero is putting out the A-game and all she can do is yammer on about the weather and how her day is going. Every once in a while I think she gets a cue from someone off camera and she moans a little bit. Why did they waste the film on this? It's OK to edit some shit out.
Fast forward to the 2nd scene....
A white guy and an an Asian woman (STILL NOT A CHEERLEADER) bang on someone's back porch. I dunno if the people were home or not, but it was uneventful. I think I'd be kinda pissed if I caught them on my back porch banging away... I did get the impression, though, that the two liked each other. They seemed like maybe they were at least friends or even closer than that. Good for them. Shut up and fuck.
Scene 3.
Clearly everyone in the South Side Crips had heard about this scene and all showed up to fill every cavity (at once) on this Asian girl. Thank God she was at least a cheerleader this time. The guys are pretty rough and talk a lot of shit. They pretty much have turned me off of Asian women for the rest of my life. Damn them. Bastards. I'm gonna go join a rival gang adn extract my revenge some day! Maybe ninjas could help me. The Cheerleader didn't seem to mind any of the shit talking or the throwing of her around. Clearly Asian women have pussies the size of tire swings because you can stick anything in them and they feel nothing. Same with the poop-shoot. At one point she had 2 pee-pee's in her mouth. Way to go, Chun-lee. I bet her parents are so proud.

I felt dirty and NOT in a good way... After watching this short flick (I fast forwarded through most of it) I feel changed as a human being now. I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me.
Too bad I didn't cum.

Until Next time,
SuperElvis

SuperElvis Vs. Justed Man 2: Electric Boogaloo

2005-03-14T07:57:00.000-08:00

Here it is the mutch requested, much anticipated part 2 of the battle of the half-wits!

I left my IM online overnight and when I cam back my Yahoo had a message from Jens that said “Saw that you chatted with my B/F”

And I replied “Yeah, just messing with him a bit”

And douchebag got on pretending to be her…

Here ya go. I gotta warn you though, it gets graphic. ;) Wait to check out all the links until AFTER you've read the text...some links take a high-speed internet connection.

jensanne: you didn t receive my message I TAKE IT.

superelvis2000: what message?

jensanne: THE MESSAGE THAT I MNOT INTERESTED.

superelvis2000: But I love you, Robert!

superelvis2000: I prayed to the baby Jesus last night and he told me that we should be together.

jensanne: THIS IS NOT ROBERT. HE IS AT WORK.

I can tell it is robert because he takes forever to type and spells everything wrong. Jens types fast and is a teacher, so she knows how to spell.

superelvis2000: really...

superelvis2000: If this is Jens, what did we do when we first met?

jensanne: WENT OUT TO EAT. AND BACK TO MY PLACE.

superelvis2000: How did it end?

jensanne: A KISS GOODBYE . IT WAS SO LONG AGO.

superelvis2000: Robert, you have no clue, do you?

jensanne: THIS IS NOT ROBERT FOR THE SECOND TIME.

superelvis2000: Sure it is.

jensanne: NO IT IS NOT. HE DAD TO BE AT WORK AT 8.00

superelvis2000: What does Robert do for a living?

superelvis2000: sort shards of glass I suspect.

superelvis2000: without gloves.

jensanne: WORKS AT A CABLE COMPANY.

superelvis2000: Good for him!

superelvis2000: err... you.

jensanne: SO HOW ARE THE LADIES TREATING YOU.

superelvis2000: fine....

superelvis2000: I still don't believe this is Jens

jensanne: WHY NOT . WE ARE NO CHRISTMAS BREAK

superelvis2000: Once more... how did our date end? Jens would rememberr.

superelvis2000: our first date, not the 2nd.

jensanne: I DO REMEMBER. BUT SENTS YOU ARE NONE IMPORTANT DID DOES NOT MATTER.

superelvis2000: LOL.... Do you think Robert would go out with me?

jensanne: NO HE ONLY WANTS ME

superelvis2000: But the baby jesus told me to make love to him.

jensanne: WANT EVER AND I DON T DATE PEOPLE AGAIN THAT I NOT INTERESTED IN. AND THAT WOULD BE YOU. YOU ARE TO FORWARD AND YOU FEEL IN LOVE WITH ME AFTER JUSTED TO DATES.

superelvis2000: You know all we did was have anal sex.

superelvis2000: and it was 6 dates.

superelvis2000: suckah

jensanne: SIX DATES TO MANY.

superelvis2000: You said that no one gave you anal like I did... and you loved how I came all over your face.

jensanne: YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT AT ALL. SO GOOD BYE.

superelvis2000: What about what we did last month?

jensanne: THAT IS A LIE

superelvis2000: You can't lie about what you said.

superelvis2000: We both agreed that keeping it on the side would be a good thing...

superelvis2000: You're always complaining that Robert sucks in bed and you have to fake it.

jensanne: ROBERT IS THE BESTED FUCK I HAVE EVER HAD. NOT YOU.

superelvis2000: You say that now... but last month you were swallowing my juices like a porn star... rember how we laughed?

superelvis2000: are you saying none of that matters?

superelvis2000: you are always talking about how insecure he is.

superelvis2000: and how he never makes you laugh.

superelvis2000: Half a man is what you called him.

jensanne: NOT TRUE AND WHY DO YOU HAVE A PROMBLE WITH HIM

superelvis2000: I don't have any problem with him. Jehovah wants Robert and me to be married in Vermont.

superelvis2000: Are you saying last month meant NOTHING?

jensanne: AND NONE IT DOES MATTER. THAT IS TRUE. I REALLY DON T WANT YOU.

superelvis2000: Robert and I are going to run off together. Maybe we'll go to Mexico

superelvis2000: He's mine now.

I was trying to get him to freak out here and admit he was Robert.. it didn’t work.

superelvis2000: and our meeting next week is OFF

Now he’s starting to believe that I am messing around with her.

jensanne: NO YOU RE NOT. HE WON T BE UPSET

superelvis2000: But you will. You've told me time and time again that you are just with robert because it is the easy thing to do. remember when you said that I am the only one that really makes you cum?

superelvis2000: We both know that you are just using him.

superelvis2000: My girlfriend loves our threesomes too...

superelvis2000: is that over too?

jensanne: RON YES IT IS AND I MNOT USING ROBERT HE MAKES ME EVER HAPPY.

superelvis2000: But does he tie you up and use a vibrator on you like I do?

superelvis2000: You there?

jensanne: YES I M HERE

He had his chance to bail

superelvis2000: Remember how you said he would never understand that you like to be peed on?

jensanne: NOT TRUE

superelvis2000: You know what you said!

jensanne: YOU ARE OUT OF CONTROL AND BYE. LEAVE ME ALONE . AND WANT DID I SAY.

superelvis2000: You said you LOVE IT when I pee on you.

From here on out I am just going to push the envelope…

jensanne: WRONG AGAIN YOU ARE SUCH A FUNNY MAN.

superelvis2000: then, why did you let me do it?

jensanne: I DIDN T RON YOU NEED TO BACK OFF.

superelvis2000: I have the pictures!

superelvis2000: remeber my woman filmed it?

superelvis2000: You want me to send a picture?

jensanne: NO I DON T WANT ANY THING FROM YOU OR ANY TO DO WITH YOU.

superelvis2000: I'll send it.

superelvis2000: you want the one in the bathtub or the one in the swimming pool?

jensanne: I WILL THROW THEM AWAY.

superelvis2000: OK, never mind...

superelvis2000: I'll keep them for myself.

jensanne: WANT EVER MAKES YOU HAPPY. BYE RON.

superelvis2000: I know what makes you happy.

superelvis2000: \

jensanne: ROBERT DOES.

superelvis2000: LOL only a short bit, huh? LOL

Then I wrote, I’ll see you later…

jensanne: WERE WILL I SEE YOU

superelvis2000: The usual spot.

jensanne: I RALLY DON T WANT TO SEE YOU.

superelvis2000: You always say that.

superelvis2000: Do you want to wear costumes again?

jensanne: FUNNY

superelvis2000: You love it when I dress you up as a sheep and I play little bo peep.

superelvis2000: Baa baaa

superelvis2000: See you soon, sweetie.

superelvis2000:

jensanne: NO YOU WON T

superelvis2000: Sure I will

superelvis2000: you've never missed one of our mothly sex-fests.

jensanne: BYE AGAIN

jensanne: IT EVER HAPPENED

superelvis2000: If that is what you want to tell yourself.

jensanne: IT IS GOODBYE

superelvis2000: Does Robert know any of this?

superelvis2000: Are you going to be honest with him about it?

jensanne: HE ALREADY KNOW ARE TRYING TO BREAK US UP . HE TOLD ABOUT WANT YOU WERE SAYING.

superelvis2000: Don;t you think it is to my benefit that you stay with him? All I want is our monthly romp

jensanne: YES I DO CLOWN BOY.

superelvis2000: exactly....

superelvis2000: Are you gonna tell him about us?

superelvis2000: I don't think he needs to know.

jensanne: ALREADY DID

superelvis2000: you told him everything?

superelvis2000: EVERYTHING?

superelvis2000: even about the videos?

jensanne: YES

superelvis2000: And the orgy?

superelvis2000: well, the 3 of us...

jensanne: YES

superelvis2000: What about the time we did it in the mall elevator?

superelvis2000: And he is OK with you loving anal?

jensanne: YES

jensanne: YES I DO IT WITH HIM

superelvis2000: What about the bokaki?

jensanne: YES

jensanne: LEAVE ME ALONE

superelvis2000: Awesome. Think he will join us then?

jensanne: NO

superelvis2000: Is he a prude?

jensanne: YOU A ASSHOLE WHY DID YOU CHANGE.

superelvis2000: Change?

jensanne: YOU WERE COOL AT 1 TIME

superelvis2000: what are you talking about? You love it when we get nasty.

jensanne: DON T CARE NOT NOW

superelvis2000: What changed from Last MONTH?

jensanne: I FOUND MY SOUL MATE

superelvis2000: But you said he doesn't sexually satisfy you.

superelvis2000: and he never makes you laugh.

jensanne: YES HE DOES

superelvis2000: Not what you told me.

jensanne: RON YOU HAVE MADE ME MAD GOODBYE.

superelvis2000: Bye, Robert.

jensanne: IT S NOT ROBERT

superelvis2000: Yes it is.

jensanne: NO IT ISN T

superelvis2000: Yes it is.

jensanne: SO NOW I M A LIER

superelvis2000: yes you are.

superelvis2000: Liar, liar pants on fire.

jensanne: WHY DO YOU SAY THAT AND WHY ARE YOU PLAYING GAMES.

superelvis2000: You love sex games.

jensanne: GOOBYE

superelvis2000: Kisses.

That was it... hope you enjoyed Part Deux. I did.
Enjoy the links too..
For now,
SuperElvis!

SuperElvis Vs. Justed Man Pt. 1

2005-03-07T19:09:00.000-08:00

About 4 years ago (Maybe more, maybe less) I went out with a girl name Jens. She was sweet, not Vickie sweet, but sweet none the less. We went on one date and had a good time but there was no romance. We've kept in touch over Yahoo IM ever since... always kind of a "Hey, let's get chinese food sometime soon" or whatever....
here's what I got the last time I tried to chat with her.
She works at a school and I suggested we meet for lunch since the next week was Christmas break or something...

jensanne: this is here boyfriend . is only go to lunch with me.

superelvis2000: Sorry, I didn't know she had a boyfriend.

superelvis2000: I haven't talked to her in a LONG time.

jensanne: we live together.

superelvis2000: Congratulations! How long have you been dating?
Ain't I nice?

jensanne: six months did you date her ever.

superelvis2000: We went out once and then she started dating someone (you I assume) and we've just been friends since.

superelvis2000: What's your nane?

superelvis2000: err.. name

jensanne: thats cool. but she is taken now.

superelvis2000: No problem, I am not interested in messing with someone else's girlfriend.

superelvis2000: not my style.

jensanne: robert thank you

superelvis2000: I'm Ron.

jensanne: ron have a good and bye

superelvis2000: You sound a little jelous...

superelvis2000: why?

superelvis2000: you two have a rocky relationship or something?

jensanne: not me not me ron have a good day . and let me ask you a question would you what some one that you care about talking to other from the pasted.

superelvis2000: I already told you that I am not interested in her since she has a boyfriend... I was just being nice to you, Mr. Charming.

jensanne: our relationship is justed fine.

superelvis2000: justed fine, huh?

jensanne: if that is the case than why do you think that we have promble in are relationship did she say them to you. mr charming.

superelvis2000: Who am I to say?

superelvis2000: Clearly there is a problem cuz you're so defensive about everything.

jensanne: you act like you know something

superelvis2000: Do I?

jensanne: no you are asking lots of question

superelvis2000: Yeah.

superelvis2000: Maybe I am just busting your chops a bit cuz you are being so defensive.

superelvis2000: or maybe not.

jensanne: are relationship is our business remeber that. I AMNOT DEFENSIVE AT ALL

superelvis2000: LOL

superelvis2000: You don't see it do you?

jensanne: ARE YOU TRYING TO START A FIST AND WANT DON T I SEE

superelvis2000: start a fist?

superelvis2000: what do you do for a living?

jensanne: START A FIGHT

superelvis2000: me with you?

jensanne: AND WERE I WORK DOESN T MATTER

jensanne: YES WITH ME

superelvis2000: you don't have a job?

jensanne: I DO HAVE A JOB BUT I DON T KNOW YOU FROM DICK. AND I DON T THAT I HAVE TO TELL YOU.

superelvis2000: Ashamed of it then?

jensanne: KNOW NOT AT ALL

superelvis2000: You sure ain't a spelling teacher.

jensanne: I JUSTED WOKE UP AND I DIDN T SAY I WAS. DON T SEND JENNIFER NO MORE EMAIL. BECAUSE SHE IS FAITHFUL

superelvis2000: You're not the boss of me.

superelvis2000: :P
that's me...sticking out my tongue.

superelvis2000: You need to learn to trust your woman.

jensanne: YOU RE A CLOWN I AMN T THE THAT IS TRYING TO START TROUBLE. YOU ARE. GO EMAIL SOME ONE ELSE . I DO TRUST HER.

superelvis2000: No you don't.

superelvis2000: You've been dating 6 months and already moved in with her. How well can you know someone in 6 months?

jensanne: YES I DO . YOU JUSTED DON T SEE WERE I M COMING FROM

superelvis2000: I see it better than you do.

jensanne: HOW IS THAT AND WHY DO YOU LIKE TO DISREPECT PEOPLE.

superelvis2000: What do you know abouot respect?

jensanne: WERE YOU PLANNING A DATE WITH HERE SOON. AND DO YOU HAVE NEW NUMBER.

superelvis2000: Huh? what the hell does that mean? Learn to type (or slow down)

jensanne: ALOT I ASK YOU NICELY NOT TO EMAIL

superelvis2000: I just was asking her to lunch... if that is a date, you're screwed. People eat lunch all the time...

jensanne: I DO TYPE JUSTED FINE

superelvis2000: Justed fine?

superelvis2000: do you talk like that too?

jensanne: NO DICK HEAD

superelvis2000: Good.

jensanne: WHAT IS YOU RE PROMBLE

superelvis2000: i don't have any problems...

jensanne: WELL THAN BACK OFF PLEASE.

superelvis2000: Back off? do you feel threatened? I've just been nice to you

jensanne: NOT AT ALL I JUSTED SAYING THAT ME AND JENNIFER ARE JUST FINE.

jensanne: I M JUST FINE HOW ABOUT YOU.

superelvis2000: Sure you are.

jensanne: WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT WITH JENNIFER. IF WANT S AFTER ME THAT IS GREAT. SHE KNOW HOW TO GET HOLD OF YOU.

superelvis2000: Robert, you need to step back and look at yourself... you need to be a little less insecure.

jensanne: RON I M FINE AND I DONE TALKING TO YOU

superelvis2000: Women are turned on by a secure man, not someone that feels threatened all the time.

jensanne: I UNDERSTAND DOCTOR LOVE.

superelvis2000: That was funny...

superelvis2000: good job! women like a sence of humor too. Now you are moving in the right direction, you may yet save your relationship!

jensanne: SO ARE CLOWN BOY. HOW IS RELATIONSHIP BAD.

superelvis2000: you tell me...

superelvis2000: I've pointed several things out.

jensanne: I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW ..

superelvis2000: BUT, if you say it is good, I am SURE everything is fine. You seem like the type of guy that has a clue.

jensanne: TELL ME SOMETHING MAYBE I DON T KNOW.

superelvis2000: I am sure there is a lot you don't know.

jensanne: YOU RE NOT WORTH TALKING ANYMORE. HAVE YOU TALK TO HER LATELY.

superelvis2000: You arn't paying attention, Robert, you already know I haven't.

superelvis2000: I said that in the beginning, remember?

jensanne: RON WERE ONE OF THE MANY SHE HAS SLEEP. THERE ARE ALOT.

superelvis2000: You shouldn't talk that way about the woman you love.

superelvis2000: It is rude and inappropriate.

jensanne: SENTS YOU KNOW HER SO SUPER WELL

superelvis2000: Your jelousy is showing again, pimp

superelvis2000: It bothers you that she has a past?

jensanne: WANT YOU ARE BY EMAIL HER WHEN YOU KNOW IS HAS A MAN IS RUDE.

jensanne: NO IT IS THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO GET WITH AGAIN

superelvis2000: you think I am?

jensanne: I M FINE WITH HER PAST

superelvis2000: I don't think you are.

jensanne: YES I DO BECAUSE YOU WERE TRYING GET THE NEW NUMBER.

superelvis2000: Yeah, by the way, what is it?

jensanne: FUCK OFF AND GO TO HELL CLOWN I DONE TALKING TO YOU. ASSHOLE.

superelvis2000: Does this mean your not giving me the number? LOL

jensanne: GOOD BYE. HELL NO

superelvis2000: Does this mean we are not buddies anymore?

superelvis2000: Robert, are you there?

jensanne: RON YOU ARE NOT COOL AT ALL AND WE NEVER WERE BUDDIES. WHY ARE PLAYING GAMES WITH ME AND WHY DONT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT SHE IS WITH ME.

jensanne: I M STILL HERE.
Like he's got anywhere else to go.

superelvis2000: We arn't buddies?

superelvis2000: that hurts.

superelvis2000: You are so hateful!

superelvis2000: I have feelings you know!

superelvis2000: maybe if you were a nicer person you and Jens wouldn't be going through the things you do!

jensanne: WHAT EVER YOU DON T KNOW SO DON T ACT LIKE YOU DO.

superelvis2000: I don't?

jensanne: WE GET ALONG JUSTED FINE.

superelvis2000: Justed, fine huh? they why all the rage and jelousy?

jensanne: I DON T WANT TO TALK ANYMORE NO RAGE And jelousy

superelvis2000: Sure there is.

jensanne: no there s not

superelvis2000: is too.

jensanne: goodbye ron

superelvis2000: I love you.

jensanne: I M NOT GAY

superelvis2000: Robert, I don't know how to say this, but you make me feel strange inside.

superelvis2000: Do you think you and I could meet for lunch and who knows...?

superelvis2000: I have to go... I am meeting someone for luch.

superelvis2000: I love you Robert.

jensanne: TALK TO JENS SHE SAID DON T EMAIL HER ANYMORE.

jensanne: SHE IS NOT INTERSTED. BYE

jensanne: AND I ONLY WANT JENS AND I LOVE HER.

That's all for Day 1. Part 2 comming soon!
Same Elvis time.
Same Elvis Channel.

Until then,
-=SuperElvis=-

bah

2005-03-07T15:57:00.000-08:00

Vickie is awesome. Except when she gets too much sugar.

-=SuperElvis=-

Batman vs. The Joker

2005-03-03T16:06:00.000-08:00

There's a new Batman movie coming out this summer. Maybe this scene will be in it.

Let's cook some dinner...

2005-03-03T15:49:00.000-08:00

Keeping on the dating theme... I found this on a website.

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day
before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had
before" for dinner.

After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make,
I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations
that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's
what I made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took
out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King,
and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some
dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops
in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil.

In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice
together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like
succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together
in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes
at 450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops,
and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the
MRE cheese (kinda like

Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my
spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it
looks fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five
packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I
heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky
gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.

Voila--Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military
Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military
Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets
of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet
says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it
(that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand
from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set
the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China
(that shit is fucking EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings
cost me over $600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal
wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner,
saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she
kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking
that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She
kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after
she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses
during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert,
she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had
made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate
Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use
my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to
herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her
utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin.

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener,
1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smellgood) and
returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to
the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say "What the
hell is WRONG with me???," as she again send flatulent shockwaves
into the porcelain bowl.

This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper
roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the
chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up
to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly,
without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed
the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing
so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said
"I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so
embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I
gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because
she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen
and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories
of "Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously,
and said "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made
3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys,
and took off without a word.

She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 3 days, and
when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could
smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working
out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never
wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY
there to inspect the food beforehand.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that
that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on
a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom
while I had been in tears on the couch.

I know, I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.

This guy is awesome. What a cook!
-=SuperElvis=-

First Dates...

2005-02-28T19:48:00.000-08:00

I was just reading about a first date when I came up with the ultimate idea for a first date.
It is a Bradly Parker Constantine type caper except this one will be coherent. Spelled wrong but coherent.
I will ofcouse set all of this up ahead of time with great care as to not get shot or the shit kicked out of me by an Arab.
I'll need a paper sack full of money, some pantyhose, an arab or two with a shotgun, and a fake gun (for me)
First I'd have to meet the lucky babe. For the sake of arguement we'll call her Karen. Just kidding. There are about 2 people that read my blog and now I've mentioned both of them. Way to go!!! YESSSSSsssssss.

OK. I meet this girl. On the night of our date I call her and tell her that my truck is broke down so she will have to drive. Otherwise we'll have to cancel until my cousin Billy can fix my transmission. She gladly accepts.(Ofcourse... who would pass up a date with the legendary SuperElvis) As she picks me up, I get in the car with a duffle bag full of everything mentioned except the Arab. He comes later. besides, they don't fit into gym bags too good... and they start to stink if you leave them in there too long.
While we are en route (that's french for where the hell we goin'?) to where ever we'll have this conversation:
her: You look nice.
Me: Thanks. I have a sweet ass, don't I?
Her: Oh my god, I am already throbbing inside.
Me: Fuck Yeah.
Wait... sorry, wrong plan, that was a dream I had.
Me: Hey, I need to make a stop and see someone real quick. It'll only take a second. It's my friend Joey. He works at (Insert liquor store name here) and I need to give him his stuff that he left at my house last week [pointing to duffle bag]
Her: (sheepishly) sure.
we pull up in front of the liquor store and I go in with the duffle bag.
about 5 minutes later I come out with the pantyhose over my head, fake gun in the right, paper sack full of money in the left. pulling a TJ Hooker I slide over the hood of her still running Lumina as Hadji comes running out of the store brandishing a shotgun. Out of breath I jump in the passanger seat and scream "DRIVE, BITCH!"
If she is coherent the rest of the night I'll take her to a dollar movie and throw some food down her throat. Might even let her super size the fries.

I am a mastermind.
Take that, Ian Flemming!

-=SuperElvis=-

God Damn It.

2005-02-28T19:46:00.000-08:00

WHY GOD, WHY????

-=SuperElvis=-

"We've always done it this way

2005-02-23T17:03:00.000-08:00

I got this somewhere else...

Does the statement, "We've always done
it that way" ring any bells? ... read to the end...
it was a new one for me.
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between
the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly
odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England,
and English expatriates built the US Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same
people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and
that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the
same jigs and tools that they used for building
wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd
wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the
wagon wheels would break on some of the old,
long distance roads in England, because that's
the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads
in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads
have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which
everyone else had to match for fear of destroying
their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made
for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter
of wheel spacing.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet,
8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications
for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies
live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification and
wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may
be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war
chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate
the back ends of two war horses.
Now the twist to the story...
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch
pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to
the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid
rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by
Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who
designed the SRBs would have preferred to make
them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped
by train from the factory to the launch site. The
railroad line from the factory happens to run through
a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through
that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the
railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know,
is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is
arguably the world's most advanced transportation
system was determined over two thousand years
ago by the width of a horse's ass.
..... and you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

Mormons and a clean house.

2005-02-22T19:47:00.000-08:00

I used to live in a loft apartment in West Fort Worth. I loved it. The rent was cheap, and everyone had lived there since forever. I lived there 7 years and was still the "new guy."
My apartment was notoriously messy. It was legendary. I was a single guy with a kid and I never cooked. Scattered everywhere I had a collection of really old Taco Bell wrappers and McDonalds bags. Once I took an old cup that had once contained a mikshake from Burger King to The Antique Road Show and the fuckers told me it was worth $78.42. I cashed in quick.
Living in an apartment was a different lifestyle. Even though we were all piled on top of each other we respected our neighbor's privacy. I miss it a little. (just a little)
Every once in a while we'd get visits from churches trying to get me to go to their service. The best were the mormons. They are legendary for being impossible to get rid of. I had to devise a fool-proof plan. Did I mention that I have NO working knowledge of the Bible whatsoever? Damn. that means I can't beat them at their own game. Besides, those fuckers have 3 books to my 2. Right away I was outnumbered. Suddenly it dawned on me. An evil grinch-like plan that would work out for everyone. (ok, maybe not them)
I worked it all out in my head and waited.
About a month later I got a knock on my door. It was late and figured it was one of my neighbors comming to hang out. I peeked through that worthless fish eye thing they put in doors and saw it. WHITE SHIRTS AND CHEAP TIES! It was them. My tail began wagging in aticipation. WAR! Battle stations! Cue the dancing girls. Where's Tattoo? OK, I gotta stick to the plan here.
I opened the door as fast as humanly possible and looked them square in the eye and shouted
"GOD SENT YOU DIDN'T HE???"
the poor sod didn't know what to think. "Uhhh... yeah... he did... let me tell you about..."
OHMYGAWYD!I was just praying to God for SOMEONE to show up and CLEAN THIS MESS UP! and here you are right at my doorstep. You DID say that God sent you, right?"
He was stunned. Not missing a beat I grabbed his mutant clone and told him to start working on the living room while his buddie (the alpha Mormon) cleaned the dishes in the kitchen. They tried to protest but I was ready "You said God sent you. You wouldn't go against God would you? Of course not. Gettowork!"
About that time my daughter came down the stairs trying to figure out why her retared daddy was yelling at these drooling Cylons. I gave her the wink and she just sat on the stairs and let the fun run itsself. All the while they cleaned I played on the internet and babbled about how the government was watching me through an antenna they implanted in my spine while I was at summer camp. About an hour later they finished. I told them that there was an upstairs to get to and they ran off. They didn't even say "bye."
Ungrateful bastards. I was just helping them do God's work. They owed me. I did manage to shout at them "HEY! Come back next week, cuz Moses called and he wants us to SMOKE SOME POT!"
I live in a nice neighborhood now but the mormons still come around. They love me. I call them "The Elder Brothers" because both of their name badges say "Elder So-and-so." They are good guys. I tried to pull the mow my grass scam on them but Vickie, the love of my life, wound't have it. She's a good person. They say you always fall for the opposite personaliy. I did. The Elder Brother's stop by every now and then and I give them Dr. Pepper to drink. I know they ain't supposed to have Caffeene so to me that is funny as hell. I even make them go to the fridge and get it themselves. They're always good for a laugh. and they like my motorcycle. Good guys, both of them.
My nephew got baptised into the Mormon church about a year or so ago and I went to be "supportive." I told my story a couple of times but no one seemed to get it. BAH!

until next time.... Galacians 1:8
-=SuperElvis=-

From the Sucks to be You department....

2005-02-17T16:09:00.000-08:00

http://www.ultraz.dk/ultrazgallery/displayimage.php?album=2&pos=15

Professional Poker Players

2005-02-13T02:09:00.000-08:00

My home poker game started as a few friends with spare change playing dealer calls. We'd play Jacks or better to open, Follow the bitch, five card draw, or whatever the dealer felt like playing. After each hand, the deal would rotate and a new game would be called. Like most things in my life that start innocent it soon exploded out of control. People were coming in hopes of winning enough to pay their rent... some were bringing way more than others and buying pots they should have lost. Now, all anyone wants to play is No Limit Texas Holdem. I love Hold'em but everyone is into tournaments and they take those tournaments too seriously. I am here to have fun. If I lose $20 then I am still only out a little money. My friends think it is a pride thing or something...

There is a website called findpokerpal.com or something like that. You go there and sign up and people in your area contact you about getting a game.
That is how I met John. John Emailed me early last week and invited me to his game. I was glad to find a poker game in my area because my home games always seem to end up in chaos.
John's game is simple. $50 buy in (minimum) and $1 and $2 blinds. It seemed like John was inviting me to a pretty serious game. but he assured me it was all fun. Vickie was even welcome to come. Awesome. I'll give it a try.
Vickie and I show up at John's house around 9:30ish. The game's been playing for a couple hours and it doesn't look like there is a clear chip leader so I feel like I'm on pretty good ground. Right away Ricardo makes a remark to Vickie that he WON'T lose to her. I had to laugh at that statement. She didn't earn the name "the Black Widow" for nothing. Ricardo was probably the WORST poker player I've ever seen, that is until John started playing. I have to say though, I had a lot of fun. Vickie busted out but I walked away with $268 bucks. Not a bad Saturday night for me. With soft players like these, I will be back... and probably lose my ass next time.
The funny thing about it all was how they talked. They all talked like they knew what they were doing and played ALL the time. All in all I made some new friends and have a steady Saturday night game.
-=SE=-

Sick and retarded.

2005-02-12T16:58:00.000-08:00

This is from an actual page on the internet. There are some sick fuckers out there.
I'd post a picture here of these two but I don't know how. You also gotta read their blog. Sick. Sick. Sick. What the hell are "chinese balls?"

Fort Worth Texas Couple ISO Of bi Dom or Dominatrix OR COUPLE

Disabled married couple looking for White unmarried male or female or married couple in the Dallas Fort Worth area (Preferably FW) to play with. Ages 30-45 only. Must be BI-curious, or bisexual. Must be in to slight bdsm or D/s in a mix way of play and seriousness. Must be into spanking for play and slight discipline. Female likes to be spanked and DOMed. Looking for long term fun. No quick meeting. Must get to know each other first. My name is AEl and I am 33. My husband, JE (42), and I have been married 11 years. We are both white. We live in Fort Worth, Texas. Have no children yet, but are trying.. I guess the first and most important thing you should know is that we are disabled. We both have Cerebral Palsy. JE is in a wheelchair and can not walk at all but can do a lot by himself. I can walk pretty well but I have a slight speech problem. People can understand me most of the time. We are both a little overweight (around 200 lbs.), and about 5"1', but still fairly attractive. AEs bra size is 40dd or 44d. JE's penis size is an average 6 in. He graduated from the University of Texas at Austin with a Bachelors of Arts in Sociology and is a work at home agent doing technical support on computers. I graduated TCJC with an Associates of Arts. I am not working now.. We both consider ourselves BI-curious, Wanting to experiment playing with the same sex but still prefer opposite sex. AE is not quite a sub but more of a brat. Will play sub. Can switch but inexperienced. JE is not dom or sub but will act as spanker. We both like to give and receive Oral sex from the same sex but not too experienced. Love giving oral to opposite sex. We like to shave our genitals but don't keep them shaved most of the time. We both prefer others to have Shaved genitals but if not that's fine. We are social drinkers, only on weekends. We do not smoke cigarettes and not big fans of those that do but that is not an instant dismissal of application. We do smoke marijuana about as often as we drink but not quite. If you don't, we will not around you. We try to always practice safe sex (condoms as well as birth control). We are disease free and are tested regularly. In our spare time we enjoy playing board games, "get to know each other" type games, watching movies, watching TV (voyager, soaps [GH, PC], Sports[football, Baseball.], going out to eat (all kinds of foods), and listen to music (Country, rock, 70's).
Well, if that information still kept your attention, I'll tell you what we are looking for as far as sex goes. We are looking for a white single from the local area between the ages of 30-45. I like to be spanked and that must be part of our experience together. In sex, we are looking for someone who would want to be with both of us, not just me (or him in some cases). We are really looking for someone who is BI-curious or Bisexual. The male/male contact should include touching, and oral sex, but NO kissing or anal sex. With AE anything goes. We would like an experienced spanker and Dom type. At least one of us enjoys or are interested in trying age play, algolagnia (love of pain), asphyxiaphilia (breath play), auto erotica (masturbation), BDSM, blindfolds, bondage, breast torture, bruising, candle wax, chastity devices, chains, Chinese balls, collar and lead, corner time as discipline, cupping (suction of the skin), dacryphilia (arousal from tears), depilation (shaving), discipline, dildos, domination, D/s, Dom SUB, Electrotorture (EMS TENS units), feathers, fisting, gangbangs, handcuffs/shackles, hair pulling, masks, masochism, nipples, oral fixation, paddling/spanking, play rape, Play School, play house, power exchange, the rack, religious (nunplay, priestplay), roleplaying, sadism, scent, slave/master, tongue fetish, "toys", vibrators, voyeurism, whips.
Picture Found Here
http://www.deviantart.com/view/6404649/
If we sound interesting and fun to you and you think you meet our desires, please fill out our form and send it To JEstes7558@charter.net

To fill out form
1.From web page highlight the form right click to copy text, open mail right click to paste to mail fillout.
or
2. from mail highlight form press reply then fill out.

____________________________
1. I am a
( ) Male
( ) Female
( ) Couple. If you are a couple, please check couple and check your sexes then have you partner fill out a copy of this also.
_____________________________________________________________________________
2. I Am…
( ) Straight
( ) gay
( ) Bisexual
( ) Bi- curious
_____________________________________________________________________________
3. My age is
_____________________________________________________________________________
4. I am.
( ) Married. Spouse will NOT be involved Please explain why we should consider you even though you are married
( ) Married. Spouse will be involved
( ) Single
( ) Divorced
( ) Separated / or soon to be divorced
( ) Seeing someone seriously. Please explain why we should consider you even though you are seeing someone.
_____________________________________________________________________________
5. Do you have custodial care of children?
( ) Yes
( ) No
_____________________________________________________________________________
6. I live in
( ) Fort Worth
( ) Dallas. Please tell why we should consider someone at that distance
( ) Other. Please tell where and why we should consider someone at that distance
_____________________________________________________________________________
7. I am
( ) Dom
( ) Sub
( ) Switch
( ) brat
( ) None
_____________________________________________________________________________
8. My Experience at giving spankings is
( ) None. Not interested in that
( ) None, but willing to try
( ) Little
( ) Average
( ) Above average
( ) Expert
_____________________________________________________________________________
9. My experience in threesome/swinging is
( ) None. Not interested in that
( ) None, but willing to try
( ) Little
( )Average
( ) Above Average
( ) Expert
_____________________________________________________________________________
10. I would enjoy giving oral sex to someone of my own gender.
( ) Yes
( ) No
_____________________________________________________________________________
11. I would enjoy receiving oral sex from someone of my own gender.
( ) Yes
( ) No
_____________________________________________________________________________
12. I DO NOT mind getting involved with someone with a disability, in a wheel chair, has a slight speech impediment, is between 175- 225 Pounds.
( ) Correct
( ) Incorrect
_____________________________________________________________________________
13. I drink
( ) Do not drink
( ) Social drinker. Once or twice a month
( ) Average. Once a week or so I like to drink 4-8 drinks (This is us)
( ) Drink more than average
_____________________________________________________________________________
14. Do you smoke?
( ) Yes
( ) No (We do not)
_____________________________________________________________________________
15. Do you do any recreational drugs?
( ) Yes
( ) No
( ) Discuss later
Please tell what and explain.
_____________________________________________________________________________
16. My Body type is
( ) Small
( ) Medium
( ) Large (This is us)
( ) Heavy
_____________________________________________________________________________
17. My weight is

_____________________________________________________________________________
18. My height is

_____________________________________________________________________________
19. I am how strong
( ) Not very
( ) Average
( ) Pretty strong
( ) Real strong
_____________________________________________________________________________
20. Women Only: Bra Size
_____________________________________________________________________________
21. Men Only: Penis Size
( ) Small under 5 inches
( ) Medium 5 to 7 inches (This is my husband)
( ) Large over 7 inches
_____________________________________________________________________________
22. Do you shave your genitals?
( )Yes
( )no
( )sometimes
_____________________________________________________________________________
23. Do you prefer others to have
( ) shaved genitals
( ) unshaved genitals
( ) does not matter
_____________________________________________________________________________
24. Your race
( ) American Indian
( ) Asian
( ) Black
( ) Caucasian
( ) East Indian
( ) Hispanic
( ) Middle Eastern
( ) Various
( ) Other
_____________________________________________________________________________
25. I am very open minded and open to the sayings "what happens, happens" and "let nature take its course". (Note this will NEVER Include Male/Male Anal Sex)
( ) Yes
( ) No
_____________________________________________________________________________
26. We have two cats. Are you allergic to or have a dislike for cats?
( ) Yes
( ) No
_____________________________________________________________________________
27. We prefer to chat with people in a chat environment rather than e-mail. Do you have any of the following?
( ) AOL or AOL Instant Messenger; If so, Screen Name:
( ) ICQ; ICQ #
( ) IRC Name
( ) Yahoo! Pager Name
( ) Other Chat program. Tell which and id

_____________________________________________________________________________
28. I like to
( ) Play board games
( ) Play get to know each other type games
( ) Watch movies
( ) Watch TV (list favorite shows)
( ) Go Out to eat (what kinds of foods are your favorite?)
( ) Go to clubs/ bars (What Kinds?)
( ) Listen to music (What Kinds)
( ) Other interest
________________________________________________________________________
29. Do you practice safe sex (mainly condoms)
( ) Always
( )I try to always but some time in the heat of the moment I forget
( ) Sometimes - Depends on the situation. Never during oral, but necessary for penis to vaginal contact even though I am disease free.
( ) Never
( ) No, because I don't have VD.
( ) No, because I can't have children.
________________________________________________________________________ 30. Are you disease free?
( )yes
( ) no
________________________________________________________________________
31. Questions, Comments, Complaints, Advice, Anything else you want us to know? Here is your space to tell it all.

_____________________________________________________________________________
32.. The following is a general alternative life survey taken from www.alt.com. We just want to get some ideas in what you are interested in trying. DON'T PANIC! We are not into most of this. Some of it we don't even know what is. It is just good to know where people draw the lines in the beginning.

Check any of the following you are interested in exploring.

DW= Don't Know NW= No Way MB= maybe In= interesting
Y=yes OR you can just leave it blank

Erotic e-mail exchange
( ) Phone fantasies
( ) Performing only (little/no contact)
( ) Watching only (little/no contact)
( ) Active participation
( ) 24/7 (Total Power Exchange)
( ) age play
( ) acucullophallia (being cut)
( ) algolagnia (love of pain)
( ) altocalciphilia (high heels)
( ) arse (ass) play
( ) Asphyxiaphilia (breath play)
( ) auto erotica (masturbation)
( ) BDSM
( )blindfolds
( ) blood
( ) body hair
( ) bondage
( ) branding
( ) breast torture
( ) bruising
( ) caging
( ) candle wax
( ) chastity devices
( ) chains
( ) Chinese balls
( ) cling film
( ) cock and ball torture
( ) collar and lead
( ) corner time as discipline
( ) cross dressing
( ) cupping (suction of the skin)
( ) dacryphilia (arousal from tears)
( ) denim
( ) depilation (shaving)
( ) diaper fetishes
( ) discipline
( ) dildos
( ) domination
( ) D/s Dom SUB
( ) ears
( ) exhibitionism
( ) Electrotorture (EMS TENS units)
( )feathers
( ) fisting
( ) gangbangs
( ) handcuffs/shackles
( ) hair pulling
( ) klismaphilia (douching/enema)
( ) lace
( ) latex
( ) leather
( ) masks
( ) masochism
( ) nipples
( ) nurse/doctor fetish
( ) oral fixation
( ) paddling/spanking
( ) play piercing
( ) play rape
( ) Play School
( ) play house
( ) piercings
( ) power exchange
( ) the rack
( ) religious (nunplay, priestplay)
( ) retifism (shoes or boots)
( ) rimming
( ) roleplaying
( ) rubber
( ) sadism
( ) scent
( ) slave/master
( ) tongue fetish
( ) "toys"
( ) transvestitism (cross-dressing)
( ) urolagnia (watersports)
( ) vibrators
( ) voyeurism
( ) whips
______________________________________________________________________________
Thank you for taking the time to fill out our questionnaire. We will get back to you as soon as possible. Please send this form to JEstes7558@charter.net!!

The sad thing about all this is that if they made a porn, I'd watch it.
Now, I gotta get some corner time in before my next dacryphilia appointment arrives.
-=SuperElvis=-

Partypoker.com and psycho single women

2005-02-11T16:45:00.000-08:00

Last Friday night I was up REALLLY late playing poker online. It started getting really late and I was tired of the game a bit when my Yahoo IM went off. Not being the one to turn down a chance for some online harassment, I replied. At first I thought it was my girlfriend on the wireless laptop messing with me so I played along but NO... it was not. Here's the chat in it's virgin untouched form.
(I am the one called SuperElvis)

hollys121272: hey there - drop me a line if you have a chance

Super Elvis: hello
hollys121272: hi
Super Elvis: Have we ever met?
hollys121272: what are you doing up so late?
Super Elvis: playing poker. you?
Super Elvis: you there?
hollys121272: nope
Super Elvis: LOL
hollys121272: just saw you as i was browsing
hollys121272: bored and sleepless
Super Elvis: Ohh... cool.
Super Elvis: same here.
Super Elvis: where are you from?
hollys121272: north of san antonio
Super Elvis: oh.
Super Elvis: how old are you?
hollys121272: just turned 32
Super Elvis: happy birthday.
hollys121272: well, it was in dec
Super Elvis: Oh....gotcha.. I was thinking it was like 5 minutes ago.
hollys121272: but i try to keep it close - begging for gifts
Super Elvis: Don't blame you
Super Elvis: gotta milk it all you can.
hollys121272: poker, eh?
Super Elvis: ya... online
Super Elvis: do you play?
Super Elvis: poker, I mean.
hollys121272: never have gambled
Super Elvis: me either... except poker...
Super Elvis: it is more skill than gamble.
hollys121272: i'm a prodigy at gin rummy, i've beentold
Super Elvis: rock on!
Super Elvis: what else do you do for fun?
hollys121272: mountain bike, work in my family's vineyard
Super Elvis: Drinking is the devil, Bobby.
Super Elvis: LOL
Super Elvis: I kill me!
hollys121272: i don't drink it - i just play with the vines
Super Elvis: Gotcha
hollys121272: he he
hollys121272: it's actually quite fun
Super Elvis: Other than stomping grapes like Lucy, what do you do for a living?
hollys121272: what do you do up there?
Super Elvis: Hang out mostly.
Super Elvis: LOL
Super Elvis: I ride my motorcycle, play video games... spend time with my kid...
hollys121272: how old is your kiddo?
Super Elvis: 10
hollys121272: wow
Super Elvis: You have any kids?
hollys121272: i could be teaching him in a few years
hollys121272: 187 of them
hollys121272: i teach hs eng
hollys121272: other than that, no
Super Elvis: cool...
hollys121272: i was married, but no kids
Super Elvis: I work at a HS
hollys121272: where?
Super Elvis: North Crowley HS
hollys121272: you look like a guy i went to hs with
Super Elvis: was he cute?
Super Elvis:
Super Elvis:
hollys121272: i have absolutely no idea where that is
hollys121272: oh yeah
hollys121272: he was big and burly
hollys121272: a bad boy
Super Elvis: is big and burly cute in your book?
hollys121272: i had a secret crush on him
Super Elvis: way to go.
hollys121272: never followed through - we ran in different crowds
hollys121272: what is your name?
Super Elvis: what crowd did you run in?
hollys121272: well, a similar crowd as his - just separate
hollys121272: i guess we partied together
Super Elvis: You shoulda gone after him.
Super Elvis: you never know.
Super Elvis:
Super Elvis: You are single?
hollys121272: the people i hung with, well, we were all long-term couples, so that wasn't really an option
hollys121272: yup, i've been single for about four years now
hollys121272: u single?
hollys121272: not dating/seeing anyone?
Super Elvis: sorry... I ain't.
hollys121272: sorry yes? sorry no?
Super Elvis: I have a girlfriend... but she isn't the jelous(sp?) type
hollys121272: ugh - i divorced the guy because he cheated on me
Super Elvis: I wasn't planning on cheating on her, I am just saying it is cool for us to be friends.
hollys121272: that is something i cannot even approach in a friendly way -
Super Elvis: what are you talking about?
hollys121272: you should reall consider getting off the personals site if you are serious about this lady - are you?
Super Elvis: I haven't been on the personals site in about 3 years
Super Elvis: that ad is really old.
hollys121272: so, are you serious? do you love her?
Super Elvis: yeah, I love her... she's awesome.
hollys121272: then never come here again - can you imagine what she would think if she saw this?????
Super Elvis: saw what?
Super Elvis: we're just chatting.
hollys121272: i am telling you this as a woman who has beenthere
hollys121272: don't even chat
Super Elvis: LOL she doesn't mind if I chat with women...
Super Elvis: I don't do stuff behind her back.
hollys121272: devote yourself to her if you love her and she is awesome
Super Elvis: she is not the jelous type.
Super Elvis: I can still have friends.
hollys121272: jealous
NOTE: I can't spell worth a damn and she's an English teacher. We're a match made in heaven.
Super Elvis: yeah... that word. LOL
hollys121272: this isn't a "friend" thing, though. this is where people come to hook up - and your profile invites women like me , who are looking for men
Super Elvis: you were looking to just hook up?
Super Elvis: I am flattered.
Super Elvis: honestly.
hollys121272: i am telling you as a woman who has been that "/awesome" woman that you "love" -you should really consider logging ou and never coming back
Super Elvis: You aren't very computer literate are you?
hollys121272: this is not a place to make friends
Super Elvis: this is Yahoo messanger, not the singles hotline.
hollys121272: it is a place to make partners
Super Elvis: You saw an old single ad that I took out years ago and it said I was online. Yahoo links their messanger to it.
hollys121272: that's my advice to you - woman to man
Super Elvis: thanks for the advice. I am sorry if your feelings are hurt over this.
Super Elvis: I am kinda feeling like they are.
hollys121272: take your add off
Super Elvis: you seem like a nice girl.
Super Elvis: ad
NOTE: I corrected HER spelling and she didn't catch it. TAKE THAT!
Super Elvis: were you looking for a hookup?
hollys121272: no, my feelings areb't hurt at all - i am just concerned about the feelings of your girlfriend, an i am taking the time to share this with you
Super Elvis: thanks for sharing but I think that, like a lot of people, that because something has happened to you, you are projecting it to other people.
Super Elvis: I am not cheating on my girlfriend nor will I ever. just because you saw an old ad on Yahoo personals doesn't mean I am on the prowl.
hollys121272: maybe - in fact you are totally speaking the truth
Super Elvis: it doesn't work that way
Super Elvis: give a brother a break here.
Super Elvis: men and women can be friends....
Super Elvis: there doesn't have to be a sexual relationship every time.
hollys121272: i just know how something as innocent as chatting online can lead to something that could devastate the person you love the most -
Super Elvis: I've been online for over 15 years... I think I have a small amount of self control.
hollys121272: i am not talking about physical realtionships - i am talking about emotional betrayal
Super Elvis: from a guy to a woman, here's some advice.
Super Elvis: men are going to find a way to cheat if that is what they are going to do.
Super Elvis: it could be some girl they met at work or in the grocery store or when they last got gasoline.
hollys121272: well, you heard my peice - i am justa woman who has been in the position of "oh, we're just friends talking"
NOTE: She spelled piece wrong
Super Elvis: I am sorry you were hurt like this. You're a nice person and I like you.
Super Elvis: you there?
hollys121272: i will leave you with this thought: please consider that everything you say to every woman online, you could be saying to your girlfriend, and it would bring you closer together. All of this, said to her, could make your love grow deeper. I hope you take your profile offline. Not for me - believe me, I'm not hurt - it's just typing- but for your girlfriend. It means more to her than you realize, even if she doesn't yet know it even exists.
Super Elvis: I think you are missing the point.
Super Elvis: For a relationship to work...to REALLY work you have to trust each other. She trusts that I am not going to do anything bad.... cheat or whatever it is you think is going to happen. Not all men are as weak minded and foolish as your ex.
hollys121272: you are so right
Super Elvis: I also understand it is POSSIBLE for problems to occur online. I wont let that happen.
hollys121272: then take your singles add of the site
Super Elvis: you are the first person to see it in YEARS. why bother?
Super Elvis: trust me... we could be friends if you can control yourself I can too.
Super Elvis: I won't be hauling ass to San Antonio anytime soon... and if I did, I would bring Vickie and we'd all hang out AS FRIENDS.
hollys121272: well, it costs money to you, and it has repercussions - you don't know what they are, i don't know what they are, but the fact that we are speaking means you have responded to an IM from an unknown woman who looked at your add. As a man of honor and integrity, don't you want to remove any chance that the person you love could be hurt by this?
hollys121272: i am just asking - please do not think i am trying to imply that you would ever intend to follow through on a simple im conversation. I am just saying that even this has the potential to hurt the person you love.
Super Elvis: You told me you were searching the Yahoo profiles... not singles ads... besides, I've been upfront and honest with you from the start. I had no idea that your intentions were to seduce me with your online magic and make sweet sweet love to me... STOP IT... it's not going to work, I tell you... STOP. I will not dream of kissing your tender lips. or feeling your warm flesh press against mine..> WAIT... ohh dear GOD IN HEAVEN... you're making me want you. VILE SEDUCTRESS!!!
Super Elvis: ...hold me....
Super Elvis: I just needed to be held.
hollys121272: funny!
Super Elvis: I try.
hollys121272: sorry - i just had to make my point
hollys121272: is my poiny convinving enough?
Super Elvis: nope.
hollys121272: convincing, noy conviving - boy that's a freudian slip
Super Elvis: I know. you SO want me.
Super Elvis: what do you look like?
hollys121272: i am a warty hag with greasy hair and bulges everywhere they should not be
Super Elvis: that is SO my type.
hollys121272: i have cellulie that looks like cottage cheese
Super Elvis: Do you have a hairy back? hairy backs make me moist.
hollys121272: and i cannot type
hollys121272: nope, clean an a radiation patient
Super Elvis: then why are you trying to seduce me? is it because you found out I am an ass model?
hollys121272 : you know it - no, i am just trying to do my good deed for the day by setting you back on your path of righteousness
Super Elvis: Can you walk on water too? that would be sooo hot.
hollys121272 : i hope you and Vickie have a wonderful life together, without your personal adds on yahoo
Super Elvis: How did you know her name was Vickie?
hollys121272 : i am psychic that way
hollys121272 : and you said it a moment ago
Super Elvis: groovie.
Super Elvis: can I ask you an honest question... and I don't mean it as anything...
hollys121272 : iask away
Super Elvis: how many men have you slept with?
hollys121272 : i can't count them
Super Elvis: more than 10?
hollys121272 : but the one who cheated on me . . . i loved him . . .and it all started with a simple "friendship"
Super Elvis: I won't cheat on you.
hollys121272 : the horrible and ironic thing about this was that i cheated on my previous mate with him
hollys121272 : and it all started with a simple friendship
Super Elvis: so this may really be about the guilt you feel, huh?
hollys121272 : definitely
Super Elvis: you gotta let it go and move on. Treat your next guy like a king... not too much of a king but a king.
hollys121272 : wouldn't it be great if you could learn from another person's experience?
Super Elvis: and remember, superelvis is your friend
hollys121272 : i have seen it from both sides
Super Elvis: I was single for 10 years. I dated A LOT. i've been with a lot of women
Super Elvis: I wanted to make sure I found the right one. I knew exactly what I wanted in a relationship and I found it with my girl.
Super Elvis: and that is .... good handjobs.
hollys121272 : it looks like you are still searching for the better deal
Super Elvis: nope
Super Elvis: but I am feeling rather seduced by a certain english teacher.
Super Elvis:
hollys121272 : belive me, you have it in trusting, baggage free woman - unlike me
Super Elvis: everyone has baggage.
Super Elvis: that is something you have to accept when you love them
hollys121272 : if she trusts you, she has no baggage - work with me on this point. i am an experienced woman in this arena
Super Elvis: She has baggage, just in other areas...
hollys121272 : if she trusts a man who stays up until 2 in the morning talking online with another woman, she's a keeper
Super Elvis: I didn't stay up to talk to you... I was playing poker... talking to you was just an added benefit.
hollys121272 : work WITH her, don't test her trust
Super Elvis: I get sexier with every IM don't I.
Super Elvis: Did I tell you that I am a damn good kisser? SHIT! SHIT SHIT! There you go again seducing me!
hollys121272 : you get more predictable with every IM
hollys121272 : goodbye
Super Elvis: I still need to be held.
hollys121272 : please take my advice
Super Elvis: Fuck no.
hollys121272 : i give it to you in all seriousness and compassion
Super Elvis: but I need to get some strange, baby.
Super Elvis: come to Fort Worth for about 30 minutes, will ya?
Super Elvis: I got Jesus on my dashboard but the devil is under the hood!
hollys121272 : I'm Buddhist, by the way
Super Elvis: Wanna rub my belly?
hollys121272 : that's boddhi darmha, not the Buddha
Super Elvis: trust me... the juice is worth the squeeze.
Super Elvis: O
Super Elvis: I'll have you screaming to pagan gods that haven't been worshiped since Atlantis
hollys121272 : he brought buddhism to china and the far east
hollys121272 : it turned into zen
Super Elvis: That's a real sweet story. Can we get back to you trying to bang me?
hollys121272 : i hope you have a fulfilling life
hollys121272 : please stop talking to me
Super Elvis: I don't think I can live without knowing your loving embrace.
Super Elvis: will you tie me up?
Super Elvis: spank my ass?
hollys121272 : please stop
hollys121272 : you are cracking me up
Super Elvis: can I be your fruity little muffin ass?
hollys121272 : i don't eat muffins, sorry
Super Elvis: Ron's been a naughty little boy.
Super Elvis: you'll love this muffin.
Super Elvis: it eats back.
Super Elvis: meowww
Super Elvis: meowwwww
Super Elvis: rrrr....ggrrrrrr.....
hollys121272 : ron, go be vickie's little fruity muffin ass
Super Elvis: but you've MADE me want you.
Super Elvis: besides, Vickie who?
hollys121272 : sorry, i am the forbidden lotus
Super Elvis: is that going to be our "safe word?"
hollys121272 : besidesw, i am a 300 lb black woman who wants to kill whitie
Super Elvis: Spank me... spank me I am a filthy bastard... wait, that hurts... "FORBIDDEN LOTUS!"
Super Elvis: you want to kill me with your love charms.
hollys121272 : i hope vickie is looking over your shoulder
Super Elvis: Vickie who?
hollys121272 : is she taking care of your 10 yr old child for you?
Super Elvis: No, I can do that myself.
hollys121272 : obviously not
Super Elvis: You want to pretend that you are 10 and I am the "teacher?"
Super Elvis: you've been NAUGHTY Holly is NAUGHTY.
hollys121272 : you're in here on the computer talking to me while your child and Vickie are sleeping in the other room
hollys121272 : don't you want to be with them instead of faceless words ona screen?
Super Elvis: That turns you on a little bit doesn't it?
hollys121272 : i am just a series of symbols
hollys121272 : they are REAL peple
Super Elvis: You are a magic weilding seductrice that has forced me to lust over you.
hollys121272 : a series of symbols who cannot type
Super Elvis: show me your tits.
Super Elvis: NICE
Super Elvis: You want to drive up here so we can couple together
Super Elvis: you would have done it too
Super Elvis: but I am too much for you.
Super Elvis: I want to know more about you... you're an interesting person
Super Elvis: this is Vickie
Super Elvis: http://fleshjoe.com/fleshfiles/gf.html

Stay Black.
-=SuperElvis=-

Before the Internet (a breif history of online harassment in DFW)

2005-02-09T21:24:00.000-08:00

I've been a computer geek for over half my life. One year for Christmas I got a Commodore 64 and have been addicted ever since.
Before there was the internet or AOL there were dial-up BBS's. BBS is geek talk for Bulletin Board Systems. On these BBS's you could download software or post in a message database. I hung out at all the wrong BBS's. You had to have a handle (for example, SuperElvis or "K" or whatever) at that time I went by the alter ego "The Rook."
The Rook never took shit off anyone. but they tried. I think The Rock modeled his character after me. CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROOK IS COOKING??? For some reason I was able to mess with people's minds with great accuracy. I was famous for starting "wars" on BBS's. the system operators (SysOps) LOVED it. I would go into a BBS that didn't have many users and stir up the message bases. Pretty soon it got to the point where the board was so busy with messages the SysOp would become a dick and kick me off for causing trouble. The same damn jaggoff that invited me in the first place. One side benefit to BBS's was getting the latest games and software...or Warez. If you could get on a BBS and you were "elite" enough you'd get the good stuff. If you didn't have any street cred you got the crap kicked out of you by some crips. Crip nerds. they DO exist I am sure.
About this time I met my then buddy Snake. Snake was like me and could pick people's minds and loved to fuck with them. Snake and I hit it off right away. We'd double team people and just reduce them to tears. Sometimes even their parents would get involved. That was the funny part because a lot of these morons were in college.
My great friend Aaron is a game junkie. He LOVES video games. ANY kind of video games. The stuff I would download from BBS's he would get copies of. Kinda like Parker and comic books...but I'm just sayin'. Aaron and I are somewhat of con men when it comes to getting free shit so we decided we needed to start our OWN BBS. Dude. It would be the most awesome and glorious way for people to bring US the warez and all we had to do was leave a computer plugged into a phone line. The only problem was that I had a rep of being the biggest prick in DFW. Had to change my handle. So on OUR board I was "LOKI." Yeah... the god of strife and chaos. No one got it....
Now all we needed was a catchy name for our board. We were young, geeks both probably virgins and without a clue. We needed something that sounded like roadkill. Throbbing Gristle was born.
After reading my qualifications for a BBS name you may not understand what Throbbing Gristle is. I didn't. I thought it was like the leftovers when a cat tries to cross the freeway at night. Nope. nothing that easy. It is slang straight out of those trashy romance novels... it means hard cock. Didn't know that.
Other people did. And the freaks started hitting our board. The most notable was a lady named "The Black Rose." Rosie was my first experience with online deviant sex. Once while chatting I she said she wanted me to type a story to her. I told her I wanted to take her to a remote field on a nice sunny day in the spring, take some duct tape and tape her to an oak tree. Once I was done with taping her up I would set the field on fire and walk away. She wasn't impressed. She was into swinging, bondage and god damn who knows what else. The lady was a freak. She got on to The Gristle and started posting sex storys . I let it slide because I am a sucker for creativity and artistry and this seemed pretty creative. Then Snake showed up on the board and gave her a little shit about the weird stuff she was posting. I believe he said something like "No man really wants hot candlewax dripped on the head of his cock." She got sideways. That spun rosie up like I've never seen before. It ended with Snake telling her she was nothing but a worthless wet hole. She never called back after that. I loved it. Several other people joined The Gristle and became regulars. From high school kids to lawyers. At one point the board was the biggest source of pirated software in Tarrant County. Aaron loved it...he was getting games before they hit the stores. He felt it was a great investment. It was time for The Rook to make an apperance.
Who was I going to fuck with? Rose? no. Too easy. Snake? no. He's my partner in crime. who else... LOKI. I fucked with myself constantly... no one ever figured it out... and the ones that knew laughed their asses off. It was the time of my life...for that time.
Then the internet came along and ruined it. The quaint personality of the local BBS became a huge arena where you could yell as loud as you want and nothing would happen. In cyberspace no one can hear you scream.
Until Yahoo came along. God bless Yahoo personals. It was free back then. All the nuts were drawn to it... looking for love... looking for a little touch... whatever.
I was evil and this was my kingdom.
I took to replying to ads and just messing with the women. I never laughed so hard while alone in all my life. A lot of the messages I sent were simple one liners like this...
I already love you.
poetic and nuts all in one. I never expected to get replies but I did. Women wanted to go out with my insane persona. Go figure.
I was enjoying this WAY too much not to share it with my friends so I started an email list called "Big Ron's Evil List" it was pretty popular for it's day. People that were members took to calling themselves "rontards." I expanded the evil list to include jokes and funny pictures. I also would edit chain letters to fit my own evil ends. Remember way back in the day the little boy from England that had the cancer and just wanted everyone on the internet to email him? I am the guy that created the email addition that told everyone the boy had died with his dreams unfulfilled. I hate chain letters that much.
The bastards at Yahoo started charging a membership to reply to their ads...so I took out an ad of my own. It was sick and no woman in her right mind would have replied to it. The title was "I have issues and lots of them." I went on to say that I came with lots of strings attached and warned women that the stalking charges were dropped.
I got lots of responses... they all went on the evil list. One lady that replied was from Austin and she was so obese that she was stuck in her bed never to leave. What the hell did she want from ME? GAWD!!!
In addition to that, I picked up Yahoo IM and to this day I mess with people on it. I know I am sick, but I enjoy myself to the fullest. I'll post chat logs here as I get them Some of my greatest work was deleted with a computer crash. Damn it. Ya'll missed the "Justed" guy. He was too funny.
peace, love and chicken grease.
-SE

The Bike

2005-02-08T21:26:00.000-08:00

I was reading Parker's blog about an experience we had at the movies where some people wanted to see my bike. It got me thinking.

I have to say I have a big bike. I have a big bike because I am a big guy and I like to go fast. Not just kinda fast, I mean REALLY fast. At 130 your vision starts to blur. I like that feeling. I like the feeling that the only thing in the world when I am on my bike is ME and THE ROAD. It is freeing. No matter what is going on in my life I can ride and the problems are blown off my shoulders by a 60mph wind.
1795 cubic centimeters of ass kicking adrenalin. To put that in Harley terms, 110 cubic inches of testosterone. not that it matters ;)
I know all this sounds arrogant and I am. It is a huge character flaw with me.
sorry. My mother tried to teach me not to be such a dick but it didn't work. It may be genetic because my dad is an asshole and he told me that HIS dad was one too. I fight it, I really try to at least.

I ride with a club called the Southern Cruisers. I signed up because I wanted to put some miles on my bike and see some cool roads. They are some of the most outstanding people I've ever met. We're not a gang by any stretch of the word but we ARE a huge family. I've met people from all over the state and felt like an instant brother. I respect these people. Everyone has a road name.... something like "Skull" or "Axe" or "Blaze." I had to pick a smartass one. "SuperElvis" Kind of a play on Marilyn Manson and Super Grover from Sesame Street. I thought it was funny. So do they. People from all over the state now know "The Elvis." I love it. Goes back to my arrogance again.
When I first joined the club I was a little intimidated. I've seen movies with bikers in it (remember that one with Charlie Sheen. "Don't rat fuck my colors, MAN!) but I figured I'd head out on the scooter and check 'em out. My first event was Sonic Bike Night in Hust. I pulled up and there must have been about a BILLION bikers there... all just hanging out and looking at each other's bikes. I walked up to a group of SCRC guys in leather vests with patches all over them and expected to hear them talking about exaust pipes or being held down by The Man. Nope. They are talking about installing Windows XP and configuring network settings. I love computers like the next guy but MAN! I couldn't believe my ears. These dusty bikers were geeks like me. I've been at home ever since. God bless them all.

That's all the crap I want to say for now. More when I feel like it.

2005-02-08T21:05:00.000-08:00

I started this bLog cuz my buddie parker did. I am sure I got a lot of crap to say but I ain't saying it now. I feel kinda famous cuz I made it onto Parker's Blog. He's a good guy. I'll probably dedicate an entry or two to the lil guy.
Some subjects I am going to cover (probably)
-Motorcycles
-pR0n (porn)
-My wierd ass friends.
-"obtaining" software
-movies that suck
-movies that don't totally suck
-Poker
-No, you brought her, you poke her.
-comic books
-my total inability to spell
-whatever crap is on my mind.

SuperElvis's CyberHood

THE NEGOTIATIONS CONTINUE

More on my millions.

MONEY MONEY MONEY

My day off.

..and now for something completely different.

...sorry...

The fans decide.

Reality Porn?

Another blog.

Other blogs.

That'll kick you in the ass

Some Day SuperElvis Will Rule The World!

The Top 100 Things I'd DoIf I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

I already love you.

The man in the arena

Quest for the Dwarf

Asian Cheerleader Cavity Search 4

SuperElvis Vs. Justed Man 2: Electric Boogaloo

SuperElvis Vs. Justed Man Pt. 1

bah

Batman vs. The Joker

Let's cook some dinner...

First Dates...

God Damn It.

"We've always done it this way

Mormons and a clean house.

From the Sucks to be You department....

Professional Poker Players

Sick and retarded.

Partypoker.com and psycho single women

Before the Internet (a breif history of online harassment in DFW)

The Bike

The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord